Featherstonehaugh: I’LL SAY FIRST OFF THAT THE ADVANCE READER’S COPY CAME IN
A BOX FILLED WITH WHAT I THINK IS HUMAN HAIR
Cholmondeley: BOLD CHOICES AND VERTICAL ARTISTIC INTEGRATION BY HARPER
PERENNIAL. YOU GET A SENSE OF THIS BOOK BEFORE YOUR FINGERS HAVE EVEN
PENETRATED IT.
Featherstonehaugh: FAIR PLAY TO BLAKE BUTLER AND HIS GOOD BUDDY CALVERT MORGAN FOR MARKETING THIS THING TO THE UTMOST AND IN THE AVANT-GARDIEST
WAY POSSIBLE.
Cholmondeley: I THOUGHT THAT BALKE’S PROMISE TO EAT A BABY EVERY DAY FOR
EVERY DAY THE BOOK REMAINS IN AMAZON’S TOP SELLERS LIST WAS A LITTLE OVER
THE TOP BUT MAYBE THAT’S ME BEING SQUEAMISH AND OVERLY PRO-BABY.
Featherstonehaugh: IT SEEMED IN CHARACTER FOR HIM THOUGH IN ALL TRUTH YOU
CAN’T SAY YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.
Cholmondeley: SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT THE BOOK. SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT WHAT
WE TALK ABOUT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT 300,000,000. CARVER REFERENCE DID YOU
NOTICE I MADE IT PERHAPS TOO EXPLICIT.
Featherstonehaugh: CARVER HAS NO PLACE HERE FRIEND. WE’RE TALKING BUTLER
BOLANO COOPER DELEUZE GUATTARI KORESH AND THE EVERLASTING PROMISE OF
THE SOUND ENGINE THAT IS SILENT PROSE PRINTED SILENTLY ON THE PAGE AND
READ SILENTLY BY MOST IF NOT ALL HUMANS.
Cholmondeley: WE’LL COME TO THE SOUNDSPORTS AT PLAY IN THIS BOOK LATER
BUT FOR NOW LET’S FOCUS ON THE REPUDIATION SOME MIGHT SAY ANNIHILATION ?
OF BOLANO BY THIS BOOK. BALKE HAS GONE ON RECORD IN MULTIPLE BLOG
POSTS AND IN CONCATENATED INFINITIES OF COMMENT CHAINS THAT BOLANO IS
A TALENTLESS ARTISAN WHO WRITES BLOCKS OF WORD-OFFAL THAT NOT ONLY
BORE BUTLER TO SLEEP WHICH IS REMARKABLE SINCE BUTLER WROTE SEVEN BOOKS ABOUT HOW HE ONLY SLEEPS ONE HEAVILY MEDICATED HOUR PER WEEK
BUT BOLANO’S WRITING ALSO MAKES HIM WANT TO SET HIMSELF ON FIRE LIKE THE
MONK AND THEN COME BACK TO LIFE AS A GHOST ARSONIST SO HE CAN SET HIS
OWN ASHES ON FIRE AGAIN. WHICH IS A STRONGLY NEGATIVE REVIEW OF BOLANO
WHO WE SHOULD SAY IS DEAD AND CANNOT DEFEND HIMSELF.
Featherstonehaugh: 300,000,000 OBLITERATES BOLANO SO IT’S PROBABLY FOR
THE BEST THAT HE’S DEAD BECAUSE I CAN IMAGINE HIM GETTING THIS ADVANCE
READER’S COPY AND BEING LIKE IN SPANISH WELL THIS AMERICAN JUST OWNED
ME AT MY OWN GAME SO HANDILY AND WITH SUCH BRUTALLY FUCKED LANGUAGE
THAT I MIGHT AS WELL FORFEIT MY LIFE BECAUSE BALKE HAS TRIUMPHED OVER
ME LIKE BARCELONA OVER LOWLY OSASUNA 12,000 GOALS TO NIL AND IT’S NOT
EVEN HALFTIME YET AND THE COACH IS SWEATING BLOOD AND AT LEAST 80% OF
THE OSASUNA FANS HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE WITH THEIR PROGRAMS BY PAPER-
CUTTING THEIR WRISTS TO THE BONE, FUCK. BOLANO WOULD THEN ASSUREDLY
SIGN OVER HIS LIFETIME ROYALTIES TO BUTLER IN A SORT OF WEAK MOVE TO
APPEASE BUTLER AND EXPIATE HIMSELF FROM THE SHITTINESS OF HIS OWN WORK
AS IF TO SAY FORGIVE ME WORLD.
Cholmondeley: AND THE WORLD WOULD NOT FORGIVE HIM.
Featherstonehaugh: NO WAY.
Cholmondeley: SO NOW THAT WE’VE SET THINGS UP SO TO SPEAK WHAT WERE YOUR
FAVORITE PARTS OF THE BOOK
Featherstonehaugh: I LIKED ALL THE MEAT HAMMERS IN THE BOOK. IN FACT ALL THE
MEAT TOOLS AND BALLOONS WERE REALLY COOL AND FUNNY. AND THE 100 PAGES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BOOK WITH A SINGLE WORD EACH WERE ALSO A FAVORITE.
AND THE SEEMINGLY BUT NOT REALLY RANDOM REFERENCES TO DAVID FOSTER WALLACE EVEN IN PASSAGES THAT WERE SUPERFICIALLY CONCERNED WITH THE GELATINIZATION OF MUTANT BABY’S BONES YOU KNOW THE SCENE I’M TALKING
ABOUT.
Cholmondeley: OH MAN THAT KILLED ME SO ROMANTIC TOO. IF THERE’S ONE THING
BALKE IS REALLY GOOD AT IT’S BLOWING MY MIND AND MY MIND’S INNER EAR WITH
SWEET NOTHINGS ABOUT DISSOLVING BONES AND EVIL MOTHERS WISTFULLY
JERKING OFF THEIR DOWGS WHO QUOTE FROM DFW’S COMMENCEMENT SPEECH
WHEN THEY CLIMAX LIKE THIS IS WATER BABE FEEL IT. I CRIED.
Featherstonehaugh: ME TOO. AND THE POETRY OF IT ALL.
Cholmondeley: DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED.
Featherstonehaugh: DO YOU THINK THIS BOOK IS LIKE IF TUPAC AND BIGGIE SPENT
1000 YEARS TOGETHER FREESTYLING ON THE SUBJECTS OF VIOLENCE DEATH
MEAT MOTHERS FATHERS KIDS BLOOD SLEEPING DREAMS CULTS RELIGION GOD
AND MURDER AND THEN TRANSCRIBED THOSE FREESTYLES INTO PROSE WITH
APPROPRIATELY DEVASTATING LINE BREAKS AND THEN WERE MADE TO LEARN
ABOUT THE RHIZOME
Cholmondeley: THAT WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT BUT THEN WHEN I GOT DEEPER INTO
THE SOUNDSCAPE OF THE SENTENCES I DECIDED THAT YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND
THIS BOOK WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING ITS MUSIC AND THE UNDERHUM OF SONG
FOUND THROUGHOUT EVEN THE PUNCTUATION VIBRATES IN MY HEAD EACH PERIOD
HIT LIKE A GONG EACH COMMA’S TAIL LIKE A VIOLIN’S FILIGREED VIBRATO
Featherstonehaugh: EXPLAIN BECAUSE I THOUGHT MY THING ABOUT BIGGIE AND
TUPAC WAS ON THE MONEY AND ALMOST LIKE A BLURB’S DREAM OF A BLURB.
Cholmondeley: WELL CAN I BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU LIKE THIS ALMOST EVERYONE’S
PROSE HAS NO MUSIC TO IT OR IF THERE IS MUSIC IT’S LIKE THE MUSIC MADE BY A
HARMONICALLY UNINTERESTING REFRIGERATOR I.E. FLAT COLD AND DRONING.
Featherstonehaugh: I’M WITH YOU I THINK
Cholmondeley: THE MUSIC OF BALKE’S PROSE IS BOTH PROFOUND AND UNSETTLING
AND IF YOU WERE TO TRANSCRIBE THE NOTES THAT HE HITS AND THE RHYTHM OF
THESE PARAGRAPHS YOU WOULD FIND YOURSELF SHAKEN AND TIRED BUT HOLDING
THE SCORE TO THE LONGEST ANGELO BADALAMENTI SYMPHONY EVER PRODUCED
IF ANGELO WERE ALSO IN POSSESSION OF GOD’S COURAGE AND KNOWLEDGE.
Featherstonehaugh: WHEW.
Cholmondeley: I MEAN LIKE WE SAID BEFORE MOST PEOPLE ARE DUMB ANIMALS WHO
READ BOOKS BECAUSE THEY WANT STORIES THAT SHOW THEM A DIFFERENT WAY
OF LIFE OR GIVE THEM AN INTERESTING NARRATIVE OR SOME KIND OF CATHARSIS
BUT THOSE PEOPLE ALSO READ FICTION WITHOUT BEING ATTUNED TO THE NATURAL
SOUND-EMITTING PROPERTIES OF PRINTED WORDS
Featherstonehaugh: WHICH I THINK WE CAN AGREE IS SOMETHING A PROPER OR TRUE
READER MUST BE AWARE OF OR THEY’RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT OF FICTION.
JUST LIKE IF YOU DIDN’T PAY ATTENTION TO THE COLORS MADE BY CERTAIN WINDS
OR THE SMELLS INHERENT IN SOME MUSIC. IT’S LIKE GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN
IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT OR UNDERSTAND ITS SWEET KEENING SONG AND
VELVETY TEXTURE.
Cholmondeley: RIGHT. I GO TO FICTION IN GENERAL FOR THE SOUND OF IT ALL
SO WHAT I’M SAYING IS DON’T COME AT ME WITH YOUR HALF-ASSED LULLABIES
JONATHAN FRANZEN AND DON’T COME AT ME WITH YOUR RHYTHMICALLY IGNORANT
JINGLES ZADIE SMITH AND DON’T COME AT ME WITH YOUR CLOYING AUDIOCIDES
BEN LERNER POET TURNED NOVELIST IMPOSTER!
Featherstonehaugh: OKAY CALM DOWN WE’RE BOTH PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS
Cholmondeley: WHAT BALKE DOES IS RECOGNIZE THE SONG IN EVERY SYLLABLE
AND ARRANGE THOSE SONGS INTO WORDS AND THOSE WORDS INTO DELICATELY
BALANCED AND MELLIFLUOUS OR CACOPHONOUS SENTENCES BY DESIGN ALWAYS
AND THOSE SENTENCES INTO BOOKS. MOST AUTHORS IGNORE THE 100% PATENT
ADVANTAGE THAT PROSE HOLDS OVER OTHER MEDIA LIKE TELEVISION AND FILM
AND THAT IS THAT THE INNER VOICE OF EVERY READER SCREAM-SINGS EACH WORD
IN THE READER’S HEAD AS IT READS AND WHAT YOU WANT PLAYING UP THERE
IS AN INDELIBLE AND EMOTIONALLY COMPLEX MUSIC. THAT IS WHAT STAYS WITH
READERS THE ECHO OF THE INNER SONG OF A BOOK. NOT THE CHARACTERS OR
THE THEMES OR THE MEANING OR THE DESCRIPTIONS OR THE EMOTIONS OR THE
PLOT. I CAN STILL HUM THE ENTIRETY OF DENNIS COOPER’S MARBLED SWARM AND I
HAVE GOTTEN LAID THREE TIMES BECAUSE OF THAT.
Featherstonehaugh: BRAGGING. THOUGH I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. IT’S LIKE BALKE IS
THE TOM HULCE MOZART IN AMADEUS AND BOLANO IS THE F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
SALIERI AND BUTLER’S MOZART SHOWS UP TO SON BOLANO’S SALIERI INTO THE
GRAVE BECAUSE HE GRASPS AND MANIPULATES AND GUIDES THE NATURAL MUSIC
OF PROSE TO ITS APOTHEOSIS WHEREAS BOLANO FIDDLES WITH PROSE LIKE A
FOURTEEN YEAR-OLD TRYING TO JERK OFF IN A HALLWAY CLOSET AND MERELY
INDUCING A BLOOD BLISTER ON THE SHAFT OF HIS VERY SMALL PENIS.
Cholmondeley: THIS BRINGS UP A GOOD QUESTION WHO WILL STAR IN THE MOVIE OF
300,000,000?
Featherstonehaugh: THERE CAN’T BE A MOVIE. HAVEN’T YOU PAID ATTENTION TO
ANYTHING WE’VE SAID. IT’S ALREADY A MUSICAL. VISUAL IMAGES WOULD ONLY
TAINT BUTLER’S WORLDCRAFT. 300,000,000 IS A MOVIE, AN ALBUM, A PAINTING, A
SONG, A POEM, A NOVEL, AND A LANDSCAPE. DON’T GET GREEDY.
Cholmondeley: THANK YOU.
